When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try
this:
The Jokes Are In
Joke of the Month
June's Winner
Ever have a stressful day? New Therapy Available!
At a seminar called "Stress and Disease", Dr. Nickolas Hall, an
expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job
stress which I would like to share with you.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a
rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip".
Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during
your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on
your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the
thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you
will notice in small print the statement that says:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five (5) times, "I am so glad that I do not work
in quality control at the Q-tip company."
May's Winner
GREAT ONE LINERS
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live here.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from squeezing olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone, and I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been 'dissing' them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place, and man the people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's 3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If Tin-Whistles are mad out of tin, what do they make Fog-Horns out of?
April's Winner
Flight 293
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
March's Winner- Gabe
Top 50 Oxymorons
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
1A. Packard Bell Quality
February's Winner- JCT
Worlds Fastest Moped
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997
Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him
$500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up
next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari
GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in
the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could
be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young
man asks himself
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It
goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old
man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun
a Ferrari?!" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh,
Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my
suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."
January's Winner-Jaymie Kilgore
No pun intended
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,"I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of he work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Do you have a joke for this page? Why not submit it to see if you get Joke of the month? Send it via email.
Kryss' Index
Page created by: Kryss Stephan
1997
- 2006