Jokes Page 2

December's Winner

NORTH POLE, SANTA'S WORKSHOP - For Immediate Release

It has come to the attention of Santa's workshop that there have been disparaging remarks made in the press recently about Santa's very existence. Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish, so-called study.

As was admitted by the skeptics, there is only a very small probability of finding a flying reindeer. That is precisely because they are all located at the Workshop. Your very argument against Santa is proof of his existence! As is widely known (Re: the excellent historical documentaries "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer") the flying reindeer are not a separate species, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns, which is passed on in their offspring.

A series of cascading assumptions have been relied upon to show the "impossibility" of delivering all presents in one Christmas. For example, there was assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or NYC/SOHO, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have less than the average (and don't forget the DINK/SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids), while the Catholic (the predominant Christian denomination) families with 10 children would skew that derived 15% of homes down a few percent.

You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. Let us assure you that anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids? Still other single-child homes are notorious for spoiled "naughty" children and average 55% delivery on a good year. Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.

A simple history lesson reminds us that, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome, prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern "Orthodox" Churches do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches'. Thus, Santa's schedule is not as tight as previously indicated.

Santa does indeed FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he is not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. He's certainly not into dodging SCUD missiles over the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he uses DHL there. Subtract some more homes.

In regards to speed and time, we can't reveal all the details, but let us remind you of basic relativity theory: The faster you go, the slower time progresses. Do you think Star Trek came up with the idea of warp drive? So, if Santa could goes faster than light, then he can easily visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. (Has anyone thought of ice cubes?)

Aha, you say, Enterprise has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast? The answer is right before your skeptical eyes! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each.  This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate or get crushed because of this energy; they accelerate! What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry shield generator arrays.

The issue of weight constraints and delivery methods also shows a shocking lack of knowledge of basic matter/energy relations and beginning quantum physics. (Picture a two dimensional complex function mapped to the surface of a sphere with approximately 9000 nodal surfaces, and 18 million regions of relatively high amplitude.)

Assuming this is getting way ahead of most people's conceptual limits, we'll just say that Captain Kirk wasn't the first to say "beam me down." Transporters, replicates, and holo-projections have been standard equipment in some workshops and certain aerospace vehicles way before the 24th century.

If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and displays radar shots of him approaching from the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?

We certainly hope this clears up any damage caused by the bad press. Santa dead, indeed--some people will twist any statistic model to "prove" their cynical theory.

- Written by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com (Based on several ideas from unknown sources.)

October's Winner -Mark Stephan

September's Winners

August's Winner

A LIMERICK CONTEST

July's Winner: Trish

Try to explain this one .....  A real Stumper

WHERE'S THE OTHER DOLLAR????????

June's Winner: Ms_Beast

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it.  So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

May's Winner:

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

April's Winner: My Aunt Wanda. What a cute joke!!!

One for You and One For Me

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out
of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several
rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my gosh!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we
can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the
boy!
Author unknown

March's Winner: Submitted by Mark Halloway, aka Tumbleweed. Visit him here.

A dog was walking down the street and saw a sign in a window that said,"Help Wanted-Must be able to type, be computer literate and be bi-lingual."

The dog went inside to apply. The boss inside said, "Can you type?". The dog sat down and typed 80 words per minute without an error.

Impressed, the man asked," Very good, but do you know computers?". The dog wrote a computer program that ran flawlessly.

When it was done the man said," I'm sorry. I still can't hire you because you must be bi-lingual".
The dog looked at the man and said," MEOW!".

As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth
with him. 

He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.   He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." 

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.  At the funeral,
each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I
have to confess something to you fellows.  Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.  The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.  I only put $20,000 in the coffin." 

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.  Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.  I used $20,000 of the money to buy the
machine so that I might be able to save another patient.  I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." 

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you.  When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

"Rules Written By the Dog"

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
4. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
5. If it has more than one part, all the pieces are mine.
6. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
7. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
8. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed!  Instead of typing in the
Rules Written By the Dog, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan

Thanks for the joke Bikerdad!

WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?

• USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
• The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
• National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
• Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
• Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
• Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
• Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
• Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
• Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
• Readers Digest: 'BYE
• Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
• TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NELSON RATINGS SOAR!
• Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
• America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
• Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
• Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
• Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

  

• Thanks for the jokes Wink!

  A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free." He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied "I'm going too". "Why?" She asked. He said "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year".

  
  

 

This guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a, Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the backseat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the backseat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he does not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce speeds away, and goes straight to the dealer, where he promptly orders that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picks up the car and the bed looks superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It's clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drives all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out and knocks on the Yugo. When there isn't any answer, he knocks and knocks, and eventually the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls states arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looks at him and says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

 

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently. He was attempting to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot when a farmer pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Getting a duck that I just shot," he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, the famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is free today." "And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the law we go by is the #3 kick law." "Never heard of it" Cochran said The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours". Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin; as he was doubled over the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly got back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny. "Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck..."

 

Perplexing Questions

Submitted by Mike Collins, thanks Mike!!!

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rear view mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?

Why is FOOTball played by hand?

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